Revving your engines at traffic lights, burping the alphabet and downing pints of lager. Three things secretly all members of the fairer sex are impressed by. The same is true of feats of gaming prowess… when done right! The problem of course is finding which games to play, as the average non-gaming lady doesn’t care about achievements, unlocks or high scores, as they’re just meaningless neologisms when not observed within a very specific context… don’t you know. Presented herein then are my picks to impress…
Ikaruga – Everyone understands skill. No matter whether you have any interest in the sport / hobby / sexual activity being performed in front of you, when you see raw talent, it’s obvious. This is no more true than with Ikaruga, even to an observer unfamiliar with the difference between black and white in the game, it’s evident just how much skill is needed to play, as the title requires accuracy, a calm head on your shoulders and patience by the bucket load. If you can make it past the first level or two without losing a life, you’re a hero. And the ladies will recognise that.
Flower – Men are thoughtful, sensitive creatures, it’s just not easy for us to eloquently express our feelings all that often. Thank fuck then for Flower! A flight game at its heart, but on the surface an exploration of man’s desire to enforce regularity and order to a wild, biological world he can’t possibly tame, this art piece will have the ladies thinking you’re in touch with your feelings and comfortable with your own sexual identity enough to play a game about flower petals. When you’re rolling in vagina your mates won’t dare think about taking the piss, and they might just fire up this contender for GOTY 2009.
RockBand / Guitar Hero: World Tour – Most men are so close to genius here but they make one fatal flaw; a real man knows that singing is the way to a ladies heart and not the frankly annoying ‘click clack’ sound of plastic buttons on make believe guitars. Whilst your friends think getting a 500 odd streak on that DragonForce track is awesome, the ladies will be all over the bloke growling through Smells Like Teen Spirit. Take a leaf out of Uncle Fista’s book and sing like a gravelly angel.
Silent Hill 2 – Much like horror movies, horror games come with a certain element of ‘bravery’ to watch. Humanity’s willingness to suspend its disbelief and become enraptured in a world of harmless entertainment is incredible, and boys, you should be using this to your advantage. ‘What’s that love, you’re scared? Cuddle up next to me…’ – BOOM! See also BioShock, Fatal Frame, Dead Space, or anything with a psychological edge that manages to rise above the usual schlock. It’s all well and good you being scared at Resident Evil, but it’s mainly the fear of losing progress that is frightening and if the lady of your affections is watching, her investment won’t be nearly as much as yours.
Metal Gear Solid 4 – A complex narrative, a confusing, bizarre plot, meta game elements and philosophical musings on the nature of war; in the same way as Lost or Heroes is something to share with a partner, as is one of Kojima’s finest hours. Why? Knowledge is power, and as we all know, power is the best aphrodisiac. You’ll need to know about political subtext, have a few fancy phrases like ‘breaking the fourth wall’ to hand and be intimate with the entire series inside out, but MGS4 is an excellent way to display intelligence and passion for a subject in one title.
There we are then, five sure fire games to impress the ladies, or your money back. Have I missed any out? Any game that you know of more potent to woo the women off their feet? Well don’t keep it a secret, let the world know in the comment box below…