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Midlife Gamer Community Awards 2017 – Stinker of the Year

March 10th, 2017 by

stinkercoinA brief history of football will show you that whilst Brazil, Germany and Spain have honed the sport to a previously un-imagined level it was England that transitioned a game from ancient China and Rome into what the world today knows as football (Soccer for our American readers).

A brief history of computer games will show you that whilst FIFA, PES and Sensible Soccer honed the medium it was Dino Dini’s Kick Off that started it all. This game today – at least its revival – is the epitome of the England football team. Once, the football elite, beating Germany in 1966 to become World Cup Winners (this fact is purely in this article for the benefit of Oli and Digi) but now woeful, broken and just a little bit depressing.

Kick Off 001

The ball is the first starting point, acting more like a pinball than an actual football. Before anyone tells me you had little control in the original, I KNOW. It’s just in todays age where we use 360 point thumbsticks that pick up the smallest change in direction, a game whose controls were created when 16 point movement was ground-breaking needs to adapt somehow. Sorry Kick Off REVIVAL not Kick Off ADAPTION. Gotcha.

The second is the single button control. I know there was a single button control in the original. The reason for this was simple – WE ONLY HAD ONE FUCKING BUTTON. Controllers these days have at least eight that can be utilised. Would it be hard too hard to put an option in there so that the slide tackle and shoot button are on different buttons just so when you are through on goal you actually shoot instead of slide tacking, which the chasing defender runs into giving away a foul rather than scoring you a 89th minute equaliser? No? Ahhh REVIVAL. Not Kick Off ENHANCEMENT. True to the original. Gotcha.

Sound effects sound like they have been recorded through an old corded telephone, you know the ones that were permanently fixed to the wall where you had to wait for the dial to chug back round before you could dial the next number, where if you had an emergency you would have probably died by the time you had got the second 9 dialed. I wish I had died, I wouldn’t have had to play this crock of shiote.

Kick off 002

There is an unwritten rule in gaming nowadays that most of the physical titles are released incomplete with Day 1 patches released in order to make them complete and at times functional. This is impossible to deny as all of us have experienced this at some point in our gaming lives. However this is rare on a PSN/Arcade title so at least Dino Dini can say he achieved something with Kick Off Revival.

Kick Off Revival is quite simply the worst fucking game ever released on the PlayStation 4. I’ve not played all of them but if there is a game worse than this one I think I would give up gaming. I can normally find some saving grace in the worst of games but all I can think of this one is that they chose the right shade of green for the grass.

We have had some crackers in the past (Kinect Star Wars), we have had some marmites as well (Watch_Dogs) but never before has a game been hated by all that played it and more deserving of the Midlife Gamer Stinker of the Year Award as Kick Off Revival is.

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