The Cutting Room Floor is a new series in which we explore some of the more outrageous elements that didn’t make it into the retail versions of our favourite games – and why. First up: MGSV and the boss battles that weren’t.
The Metal Gear Solid franchise has been lauded over the years for its’ epic and innovative boss battles. Lot’s of fans were a little disappointed that Hideo Kojima’s recent open world epic didn’t feature many – and none altogether original. Engaging in a little tactical espionage action of our own (raiding through the bins at Konami and Kojima productions), Midlife Gamer has an exclusive scoop on 5 battles that didn’t make the final game – but ended up on the cutting room floor. Beware – mild spoilers ahead.
Riot – the second sexy supersoldier
One of the most controversial things about Hideo Kojima’s recent epic is the portrayal of part adversary, part companion, all questionably-dressed babe Quiet. But critics who took issue with Quiet’s limited wardrobe may have paused for thought had the first of the bosses cut from the game made retail. Riot was penned as a male counterpart for Quiet, to get a handle on his dress sense think Sean Connery’s Zardoz but with smaller boots.
Similar to Quiet, the plan was that you could also take Riot with you on missions. Except instead of providing a steadfast and laser-eyed ally, he would constantly alert the enemy to your presence by turning on nearby radios and making fart noises and blaming nearby guards. Increasingly frustrated by his shenanigans in the field, Miller would eventually challenge him to a jelly wrestling contest on the medical platform and subsequently strangling Riot with his own mankini.
Dropped when: Konami decided the KY Jelly product placement was not lucrative enough
Peace Talker – denizen of dialogue
The Phantom Pain is characteristic for being dialogue light – which fits into the themes of battlefield trauma and voicebox parasites. However, one of the earliest concepts for the late game boss battles was an indestructable metal gear that only accepts voice commands. Unable to use traditional weapons, the Boss would have needed to utter two sentences of more than 6 words long, effectively quadrupling the dialogue for the main character.
This would cause the traumatised snake to remember the time when he used to have to have hour long codec conversations despite having the kind of guttural rasp that is usually caused by a 3 week bender on absinthe and thumb tacks (serious props to David Hayter).
Dropped when: Kiefer Sutherland was asked to read another 2 sentences, effectively doubling his time in the booth.
Feverish Fulton – SPOILERS
This is more of a set-piece than a boss but just qualifies for our list. Based around a dream sequence in which Boss’s troubled mind is turning over his [SPOILERS] newly established infertility, the hero imagines that his testicles have been replaced by two, to-scale fulton recovery balloons.
To escape this nightmare, the player is encouraged to mash the triangle button whilst Boss writhes around in pain. The only noise you hear throughout this scene is Ocelot bellowing in your ear to “repopulate Mother Base” again and again and again.
Dropped when: it was considered that testicular fulton balloon could be used as a late game upgrade as an automatic extraction (that would limit your mission rank to an A) – to be included in DLC.
Bob Geldof – General Isation
When you first set foot in the Angola-Zaire border region one thing becomes abundantly unclear: exactly where you are. All your support staff refer to the region as Africa, perhaps not aware that Africa is a continent, and not a helpful indicator of mission relevant locations. In fact, briefings about Africa would be about as helpful as a map of Asia when inserting during the Afghanistan sections of the campaign.
Believe it or not, this was actually a conscious decision from the level designers. Initially, the whole region was covered by a fog of war. The only way of lifting it would be to defeat the king of Africa-based generalisation, philanthropist-egotist Bob Geldof. To do this, you would simply have to play any of the good period music from the soundtrack (Midlife Gamer’s preference being Hall and Oate’s – Maneater). This would make General Geldof realise what a lacking back catalogue he has, down arms and surrender.
Dropped when: rumour has it that Geldof demanded $100,000, just for the rights to his voice recordings (the same as he does for charity gigs)
Robot with a gun-penis
Originally, the game’s iconic ironclad boss Sahelanthropus was to include a railgun/cannon right where a 14year old boy would put it. Not much more you can say about this one. Who knows, it might have been about the weaponisation of male naughty-bits by anti-feminists or just an overburdened Metal Gear.
Dropped when: oh… never mind – looks like they decided to keep this one in.
Hope you enjoyed us revealing a bit more of the non-scenes from the latest in the Metal Gear saga. If there are any games you want us to investigate in the future – drop them in the comments and we’ll get a-sleuthin’.
Disclosure: Midlife Gamer did not actually root through any bins and strongly advises against that sort of (probably illegal) behaviour. All of the detail above is un-informed speculation, not taken from stolen documents – anyway, if it was the latter, then maybe it should have been better disposed of…