When you were a young a whippersnapper you could get up, play games, eat food, go to bed. The only thing stopping you was your parents and what did they know? And then you were an adolescent and the only thing to stop you playing games was… uh… playing.. well, look, you know. Either way, ten minutes later you were back on your games.
And then came adult hood. The only thing stopping you was your job, partner, spouse, kids, health problems, getting up in the night to use the bathroom, hangovers that last all day, mortgages, death, the state of the economy, divorces, separations, your boiler breaking, commuting, getting that rash checked out, the price of peppers (it’s like £2 for three of the fuckers! And the green ones are shit. Jesus. Whoever has shares in peppers…), moving house, paying bills, etc, etc, etc. You game when you can but that’s fine because you know what, things aren’t as good as they used to be anyway. With their haircuts and music, who’d want to be young anyway. Right guys? Guys?
With limited time though, you pick and choose what to play, you get the well reviewed titles because your time is precious. And maybe you get a pile of shame going but no worries, you’ll get round to them. But then a veritable flood of games get published all at once and it’s all you can do to keep your head above water.
Well. What we have in the next few months my friends is a veritable tsunami of games heading our way. And you’re going to need a plan…
Here are some of the highlights:
August 26: Deux Ex 3
September 2: Driver: San Francisco
September 9: Dead Island, Warhammer 40,000: Space Marine, Resistance 3
September 20: Gears of War 3
September 30: FIFA 12, Ico and Shadow of the Colossus
October 7: Dark Souls, The Darkness II, Rage
October 21: Batman: Arkham City
October 25: Battlefield 3
October: Forza 4
November 2: Uncharted 3: Drake’s Deception
November 8: Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3
November 11: The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
November 15: Assassin’s Creed Revelations, Halo: Combat Evolved Anniversary
November 18: Saints Row: The Third*
Fuck! That is a list of games that is quite staggering. Staggeringly expensive and staggeringly time-consuming.
Skyrim alone clocks in at 300 hours all in all. Even if you just do the main quest it’s 30 hours. For those that aren’t familiar with the Western concepts of time, that’s longer than it takes the moon to go round the Earth. The Earth! Factor in Gears multiplayer or Dark Souls’ considerable difficulty and basically you need to spend the next few months locked away. Desmond’s hatch has never looked more appealing. But not in that way. Grow up.
And if you preorder just a selection of these titles from Amazon (Dead Island, Dark Souls, Skyrim, Batman and Gears) it’s a cool £182.48. And think what I’ve left out.
But the upside of this mammoth release list is that the only way to get through the next few months of gaming is by using the extensive planning and time management skills that I’ve acquired since becoming an adult. So bad luck youth, with your limited understanding of Excel and the calendar in Outlook. There’s no way you’ll be able to maximise your productivity like me. I’ll have colour coded segments of my day with meals planned around games. Need to use the bathroom? It’s not scheduled. Found a side quest to help an elf? Not on the timetable. Maximizing time and gaming.
So best of luck youth, I’m taking back gaming for the next few months and what can you do to stop me? Eh? What’s that you say?
Ah, you have fuck all else to do… Damn!
Still, maybe if my boss could fire me I can block out all of October…
* For a complete list of releases and a handy way to flag up games that I’ve no interest in but you might think will be brilliant, go to http://www.eurogamer.net/releases.php
What are you going to play first?
This Community Content article was created by onionmurders, a member of our community. Community Content is your way of getting long-form writing and opinion out to the Midlife Gamer audience, an open platform to get something off your chest. For full guidelines on our editorial standards and how to create your own post, click here. The views expressed within are those of the author and not necessarily the opinions of the Midlife Gamer Staff.
Tags: Assassin's Creed Revelations, Batman: Arkham City, Battlefield 3, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3, Dark Souls, Dead Island, Deux Ex 3, Driver: San Francisco, FIFA 12, Forza 4, gears of war 3, Halo: Combat Evolved Anniversary, Ico and Shadow of the Colossus, Rage, Resistance 3, Saints Row: The Third, The Darkness II, The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception, Warhammer 40K: Space Marine