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Gran Turismo 5 Saved My Life.

December 8th, 2010 by

This is by no means an official post, no money hat has been waved around and my new beach-house is mere coincidence. In recent days video games and the gamers themselves has been set upon by the sensationalist media. People’s stereotypes are confirmed, they tell them what they think they already know and it gets plenty of viewers. Considering it is a biased account merely confirming public fears, should it really be considered news or rather olds? That is a story for another day. Instead I come to you today with an encouraging tale of how not all games are bad and ruin life. Infact I truly believe that Gran Turismo 5 saved my bacon today.

This game made me stab my cock. Ban it now!

The story begins this frosty morning in Camborne, Cornwall. In my usual routine I leave my house for work at 8:30am, bound for my workshop 9 miles away in Penryn to collect parts and jobs for the day. Although the snow has been defeated by rain, the morning was parky, -3*C according to my in-van temperature gauge. It felt that cold too, I was glad when the asthmatic fan heaters finally breathed life into the van and my numb fingers. My journey would take me across the hills of Fore Lanes past Stithians reservoir, this is the second highest part of Cornwall. Whilst taking in the maudlin quality of these surrounds, frozen in time and temperature, I noticed the odd patch of ice on the road. Remembering the lack of difficulty the snow caused last week I carried on regardless, nothing can stop the van.

The Carousel ain't got shit on this corner!

Things were about to turn a sideways turn for the worse. Imagine the above picture but with an icy road and Jack Frost covering all he surveyed. Even as I approached the corner I gently began to slow, I wasn’t a fool after all. However Jack Frost and Lady Luck had teamed up against me this morning. Without warning I felt the hard shudder beneath my right foot, immediately I knew I was in trouble. Any competent driver knows that a shuddering brake pedal means your ABS has failed and your tyres are now skidding. With the acute bend coming quickly at me, my gentle efforts to tickle the brake pedal into grip were of no use. With the bend upon me I had no option than to turn my steering wheel, I couldn’t go straight on. Upon doing this the whole frigging van slid sideways, my nose pointing directly at the left-hand hedge. With my heart shuddering faster than the useless brakes I knew I was in real trouble here, I was going at least 20mph.

And then, a bolt of inspiration shot through me, from my feet upwards, my mind was suddenly calm and clear. With the world going in slow motion released the brake pedal, I felt what little traction I had glide away. Still, as the nanoseconds passed I span the steering wheel to the right-hand lock. The next part is the real genius, I booted the accelerator as hard as I could. I still cannot believe what happened next, the spinning front wheels gained a quantum of traction on the icy road and began to pull me straight once again. By now my nose had slid around the corner and was now facing the correct direction, my forward momentum from the booted throttle enough to keep me true. Do not think for one second that I gracefully drifted around the corner. It was a complete dog’s dinner, I spent the next 50 metres swerving to get the van back under control. I also know I could’ve tried it again 100 times and it would NEVER work out as good as it did that one glorious time.

And here, my sexy bitches, is where the lesson is learnt: If I hadn’t poured 30+ hours into Gran Turismo 5 this week, I wouldn’t be typing this from my desk now. I imagine I would be tweeting the carnage from a hospital bed with a tube up my helmet. In that moment of sweet clarity I remember hurtling along the snowy Charmonix rally course in a Lancer Evolution, never braking while turning into corners. I remember applying anti-lock and giving it the beans! That is how I got my gold cup and this is how I got to work with an intact van and a twitching sphincter. Ladies and gentlemen, I thank you very much for your time.

Not one of the premium vehicles.

16 Responses to “Gran Turismo 5 Saved My Life.”
  1. avatar Jurassic Prinny says:

    A similar thing happened to me in a Nissan Almera, except the most recent driving game I’d played was Mario Kart, and the car was a write-off.

  2. avatar Jurassic Prinny says:

    Incidentally, I can’t work out a relevant context for the WOW picture. Is it there by mistake?

  3. avatar Jurassic Prinny says:

    Oh, hang on, it’s the ‘videogames are the whipping boy of modern media’ thing isn’t it?

  4. avatar Martyn Hackett says:


    Games save lives, FACT!

  5. avatar Pres says:

    LOL at Jurassic and the Almera and Mario Kart post.

    Nice to see that some insane driving in a racing game can actually reflect into real life. Lets just all pray the same will apply if we ever get attacked by Zombies or Alien beings.

  6. avatar Joe Pascal says:

    That’s a heartwarming story you won’t ever read in the Daily Mail.

  7. avatar Tom Ato says:

    Just think, if the last game you’d played was Forza 3 you would have been tempted to attempt a handbrake – initiated drift round the corner at 200 mph………..which would probably have had slightly worse results.

    Sorry, 360 noobs but this just proves that Gran Turismo is for REAL drivers and Forza is for little kids who couldn’t tell the difference between a dipstick and a windsheild wiper.

  8. avatar Phizzy says:

    There’s a difference?

  9. avatar stanger192 says:

    “Any competent driver knows that a shuddering brake pedal means your ABS has failed and your tyres are now skidding.”

    ABS causes the pedal to shudder. A quote from the wikipedia article on ABS brakes (second last sentences is what you want):

    A typical ABS includes a central electronic control unit (ECU), four wheel speed sensors, and at least two hydraulic valves within the brake hydraulics. The ECU constantly monitors the rotational speed of each wheel; if it detects a wheel rotating significantly slower than the others, a condition indicative of impending wheel lock, it actuates the valves to reduce hydraulic pressure to the brake at the affected wheel, thus reducing the braking force on that wheel; the wheel then turns faster. Conversely, if the ECU detects a wheel turning significantly faster than the others, brake hydraulic pressure to the wheel is increased so the braking force is reapplied, slowing down the wheel. This process is repeated continuously and can be detected by the driver via brake pedal pulsation. Some anti-lock system can apply or release braking pressure 16 times per second.[10]

  10. avatar Anthony Bate says:

    Indeed Wiki is right again. But if you allow me a little artistic license here, if you are approaching an icy corner and instead of slowing down you get the pedal shuddering beneath you, they may as well have failed.

  11. Our open parking is covered with something strange (Thin veneer of slick asphalt), and when it rains the surface becomes slippery, and the car starts to slide like on ice if you go faster than 10! The parking is on the fourth floor, and I executed a pretty decent drift when I turned left so I can go to the ground floor. But the ESP kicked in and the car wobbled quite a lot and it didn’t look like anything in Gran Turismo. :D And at 10 it was not what you’d call DRIFT! :D

  12. avatar Nick says:

    This story reminds me of a personal one of mine. One rainy night I was driving my moms buick on some back roads with some friends, not knowing, this insane blind corner comes up, slid, slammed into a tree and cracked the radiator.

    So the next day I came back with my Volvo 240dl 5 speed wagon, drifted it, conquering that evil corner and left satisfied :D

  13. avatar bioman says:

    20mph… endangering your life?? Thx you are so ridiculous that it is fun to read.

  14. avatar Antman says:

    Cheers Bioman, what can I say?
    I love a story!

  15. avatar aamiruso says:

    nicely done sir!
    I always keep bananas and some red shells in my car. Never had to use them yet.

  16. avatar CherryScones says:

    Awesome..! Lol. Bloody well done!

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