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City of Heroes: Going Rogue. A Sideways Double-Take.

November 9th, 2010 by

People cannot force themselves into greatness, greatness will force itself unto you. Unfortunately the same thing can be said for diarrhoea. For it was destined that Rusty would go to the Balti Towers Indian restaurant on that fateful night. He couldn’t know that it’s evil manager Pappa Doom would be testing out his plan for world domination through irradiated curries. Tonight Pappa had pushed the boat out, having recently received the fabled Widow-maker chilli, grown around the perimeter of the Chernobyl reactor. When Rusty left Balti Towers he felt fine, his mouth slightly numb from an unusually hot ruby-murray. A sudden crack of thunder proceeded a torrential sheet of rain, washing the trash from the streets. It was all that Rusty could do to run into an ill-lit alley for temporary shelter. It was in this dank urine-streaked passageway his life would change forever.

Oh alright me ‘ansomes, its antman here. By the way this is the origin story for a 4 week piece on City of Heroes: Going Rogue from our friends at NCsoft. As usual you know the score with MMOs, I could categorise their salient points in a couple of hundred words, throw a score out, but what would that mean? Instead I like to get into character and set the whole piece in a self made fantasy. I suppose a more competent MMO would facilitate a more cogent story, possibly indicative of it’s quality. However I fear more fleeting auspices are more responsible of my epic yarn weaving, how much sleep I’ve had or what colour Penguin biscuit I’ve eaten today (green ones are the best). Either way sit back, relax and read on. I will teach you about City of Heroes without you even knowing it. Possibly like an autistic savant Mr Miyagi, possibly… *Ahem* Back to the story.

What could it mean?!

As pale sunlight hesitantly crept it’s way into the contaminated cul-de-sac, Rusty writhed his way into painful consciousness. Biffa bins had been upended all around him, an anarchic collage of angst and agony. He had no idea what happened last night, the only evidence that remained was an artistic R etched onto the wall with viscous acidic excrement, the brickwork visibly eroded. Could this be a clue? As he gingerly limped home like a defiled John Wayne, he was aware of an intense ball of heat in his abdomen, not painful as such, more like… power, a fiery hot sphere of energy residing in his colon. As his apartment door snicked shut behind him, Rusty felt as if he was sitting on something big, a massive secret he couldn’t tell anyone, what would they think? He’d be locked up in a padded room by tea-time if he went blabbing. It turned out he was literally sitting on something big, his guts rumbling like an elderly cow drowning in custard. To the toilet!

An hour later the smoke alarms and sprinkler systems were finally shut off. Luckily for Rusty the firemen hadn’t asked to search his bathroom. If they had they would’ve been greeted by a strange sight. Rusty was no physicist but he was sure a ceramic toilet shouldn’t melt. Flushing didn’t help, instead it forced the corrosive matter through the building’s waste system, like a streak of red lightning burning it’s way through the plumbing. The silver lining in all of this was nobody ever had a blocked sink again. Anyway, Rusty now knew for sure, he definitely couldn’t tell anyone about this. He also knew things would never be the same again. After perusing eBay for a tungsten toilet to no avail, Rusty sat down with a cup of tea to deliberate what he should do with this curse/gift. If he went to the doctor he would be locked up for the rest of his life in a lab, all sorts of probes poking out of all sorts of orifices, no thank you. If he did nothing he would be quickly found out with his abnormal toilet arrangements. He reasoned the best way to hide his power was to get it out into the public eye, to confront peoples misconceptions of superheroes of the colonic persuasion, but he would need a disguise, and a new hideout…

You won't hear him coming, smell is another matter though.

The old wooden doors banged and creaked, decades of dust shaking from the beams. After five minutes of inadequate whacking, the doors of the abandoned costume factory finally gave in. In this dusty twilight the costumes seemed to move about on their hangers with a will of their own. After cautiously creeping around for awhile, Rusty was sure he was alone. Amazingly the electricity was still on in the disused factory, simply resetting the trips made row upon row of fluorescent lights to jump into life. This was fortuitous indeed, he wouldn’t be found in the old industrial district, there was nothing but abandoned factories for a mile in each direction. It seemed even the squatters had avoided this building due to the smell of the local sewage treatment plant. Rusty retched at first, but reasoned he’d have to get used to foul smells what with his condition and all. And here it all lay before him, thousands and thousands of costumes ready to go, any combination he could think of. It was almost as if this was some sort of massively multiplayer game, he had limitless choice. After much clanging and swearing Rusty was happy with his choice. He was almost ready to go out into the world as a new man. He just needed one more thing, a name. Punting open the disobedient doors and striding into the cool, methane-twinged air, Rusty would now be known as THE RINGSTINGER!

To be continued…

Fear the man, fear the sting.

4 Responses to “City of Heroes: Going Rogue. A Sideways Double-Take.”
  1. avatar Hugo Rune says:

    You just cant help yourself can you, you should have called him Wax Lyrical! Keep it up buddy I can see a whole graphic novel series spin off from this one ;)

  2. avatar Antman says:

    Mr Rune, you know me. If I can weave a ripping yarn about anything I will.
    I’m a bit sad nobody has noticed the Goatse reference in the Ringstinger logo at the bottom!

  3. I saw it, I saw it!
    Only because you told me, but as usual, now I can’t UN see it!

  4. avatar Hugo Rune says:

    Oh believe me brother I saw that straight away, I like your style :)

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