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Top 5 Boobs In Gaming

October 1st, 2009 by

ivy01

I’m all for serious discussion in regards to video games. I am. We should be having the conversations that matter, how are games moving story telling forward? Are games truly art? What are our limits on violent acts portrayed in an interactive medium? But sometimes, you have to get to the heart of gaming’s difficult questions. One such question is of course ‘what are the top 5 boobs in gaming?’ so I thought I’d throw in my two cents on this difficult subject matter…

But then I thought, let’s not go all Game Trailers on this, lets treat these tatas with the respect they deserve! Let’s have a serious discussion about the top 5 hoo-haas in gaming, which title they’re from, why each pair is unique and why they’re important to video gaming. Of course there are images too, all accompanied by the wonderful Keith Vaz MP, guardian of the people, to stop you from thinking any dirty thoughts and tapping up Google for some ‘Safe Search Off’ image results.

She can unravel an ancient mystery, but Lara will forever be remembered for her other assets.
She can unravel an ancient mystery, but Lara will forever be remembered for her other assets.

Lara Croft from Tomb Raider - Well it was a given wasn’t it? But let’s be fair here, Lara Croft single handedly made it ok with gamers the world over to play as a girl in a game without being tricked (Samus you crafty so-and-so). Arguably part of the Sony driven movement in the late 90’s to make gaming acceptable and, dare we say it, cool, in the eyes of the public, Lara Croft is indirectly responsible for the mass market gaming has become. Yes, she became a sex symbol for her ever expanding cleavage, and maybe the factors that birthed her to the world weren’t the noblest, but is there truly a more iconic female character in video games?

Vaz Says: If elected I will not stand for this kind of filth!
Vaz Says: If elected I will not stand for this kind of filth!

Hot.
Hot.

Native American woman from Custer’s Revenge - An unnamed Native American woman who is perpetually engaged in bound rough sex / rape with General Custer deserves mention here, because Custer’s Revenge is one of the more famous sexual games from infamous shovelware studio Mystique for the Atari 2600. Subject to endless feminist debate, condemned by Native American rights groups and widely hailed as one of the earliest and worst games with pornographic content, Custer’s Revenge reminds us of a particularly cynical, nasty little period of gaming that thankfully no longer exists…. right?

Vaz Says: I am outraged, and not at all turned on!
Vaz Says: I am outraged, and not at all turned on!

Manaka, Aoi and Yuuko from Rapelay - WRONG! Rapelay made national headlines (several years after its release) for being a ‘rape

Rape. Fun times

Rape. Fun times

simulator’, and whilst press reactions should be taken with a pinch of salt, in this case, they’re right to label it as such. Playing a frustrated Asian fellow hell bent on getting his ‘revenge’ on a particular Japanese family, he sets about systematically raping each of the female family members; two young girls and their mother. Playing, not as the family trying to escape this lunatic, but as the rapist, could be seen as an interesting experiment in character development in gaming… but it’s not. The girls of Rapelay make the list because a.) they bring media attention to gaming as a medium, and b.) it reminds us that in a capitalist art form, money will take you anywhere.

Vaz says: This game further proves my claim that all Japanese businessmen are rapists.

Vaz says: This game further proves my claim that all Japanese businessmen are rapists.

Cure for Cancer? Not yet. Economically viable space flight? Nope. Motion controlled tits? Score one for humanity.

Cure for Cancer? Not yet. Economically viable space flight? Nope. Motion controlled tits? Score one for humanity.

Ayane, Momiji and Rachel from Ninja Gaiden Sigma 2 - When I heard Team Ninja were including the ability to control the breasts of their female protagonists in their latest game with a simple wave of the six-axis controller, I thought it was an April fool. Then I looked at the calendar, and died a little inside. Perhaps a sign that the current team behind the Ninja Gaiden franchise is lost without Tomonobu Itagaki, it’s difficult to argue the case for games to be taken seriously when features like this are being included in modern games. But why are these mobile mammary glands included in the list? It’s a clear indicator that games still need to grow up a little, and perfectly demonstrates the inherent gender bias in game development today.

Vaz says: I'm losing a battle for censorship, no one cares about!

Vaz says: I'm losing a battle for censorship, no one cares about!

Immaculate design thy name is Newell.

Immaculate design thy name is Newell.

Alyx Vance from Half Life 2 - ’Why on earth are Alyx Vance’s love pillows included in this blatant attempt at hit grabbing?’ I hear you ask. The answer is the fact that you have to ask that very question. Ms. Vance has a sexuality, she has all the appropriate squishy bits to make her visually appealing, but Valve’s ability to create a character that is well-rounded in every way but the breast department, shows that gamers can gravitate towards finding a female protagonist likeable, without debasing her to an overly sexualised bad ass. Gabe Newell took the high road and created a ‘woman with a mission’ as opposed to a ‘model with a gun’, providing a girl gamers can be proud of, giant guzungas or not.

Vaz says: Relax! Don't do it, When you want to go to it, Relax! Don't do it, When you want to come!

Vaz says: Relax! Don't do it, When you want to go to it, Relax! Don't do it, When you want to come!

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